Being a woman in today’s world is exhausting. Many of us juggle multiple roles every day—mom, partner, friend, colleague, family member—and somewhere in there, we’re supposed to maintain a healthy relationship with ourselves. The many hats we wear (sometimes at the same time) make for a busy schedule and an overwhelming sense of responsibility. Women today often manage to check all the boxes on their to-do lists, but this can come at a cost—perfectionistic tendencies and significantly increased stress levels.
When we’re caught up in everything we need to accomplish, we may feel like making mistakes or taking time for ourselves isn’t acceptable. When this happens, it may be a sign of perfectionism. Let’s explore how to identify perfectionism in your life and, more importantly, what to do about it.
Understanding Perfectionism
In my practice, I work with many high-achieving women who are incredible, productive members of society. They maintain their households, raise their children, nurture relationships, pursue careers, and try not to lose sight of their individual identities. However, I’ve noticed common patterns among these women (myself included) when perfectionism takes hold.
Perfectionism is a personality trait characterized by setting extremely high, often unrealistic, standards for oneself and others—paired with harsh self-criticism when those standards aren’t met. In my experience, perfectionism can be both an inherited trait and a learned response. Many of us have watched a parent or caregiver exhibit perfectionistic tendencies and unconsciously adopted them.
More commonly, though, perfectionism develops as a coping mechanism for stress. Whether stemming from a chaotic upbringing, a traumatic relationship, academic pressure, significant loss, or other stressors, perfectionism can make us feel like we have control over our lives and emotions.
How Perfectionism Manifests
Perfectionism shows up in many ways. Below are some of the most common patterns I see in my clients and myself as a fellow perfectionist.
1. The “110% Rule”
Women struggling with perfectionism often expect themselves to perform at 110% in all areas of life at all times. When they can’t, they feel deeply disappointed and blame themselves rather than considering that their standards might be too high.
They might insist on maintaining an immaculately clean and aesthetically pleasing home—sometimes beyond what is realistic for their lifestyle. For example, they may feel guilty if they don’t clean the entire house weekly, even when their schedule is overwhelming.
They also tend to view their anxiety and stress as personal weaknesses rather than recognizing them as signs of an overloaded life. Even if they understand that their standards wouldn’t make sense for anyone else, they hold themselves to different, often impossible, expectations.
2. Perfectionist Parenting
Perfectionistic moms often expect themselves to be the “perfect mother.” This may mean:
• Striving to be intentional with every word and action.
• Feeling extreme guilt over minor mistakes, like raising their voice.
• Holding their children to unrealistic standards for their age.
• Struggling to allow space for messes, silliness, or imperfection.
Perfectionist partners may do something similar—expecting their relationship to be flawless, struggling to accept their partner’s flaws, and feeling responsible for “fixing” any issues immediately. They might also judge themselves harshly when they engage in normal, flawed human communication.
These tendencies can make perfectionists feel stretched in multiple directions, trying to be the best mom, partner, friend, and family member all at once.
3. Perfectionism at Work
At work, perfectionists often:
• Struggle to allow colleagues room for mistakes or flexibility.
• Push themselves too hard, staying late or avoiding vacations.
• Check and recheck work excessively to ensure it’s “good enough.”
• Struggle to mentally “clock out,” feeling responsible even after hours.
• Set impossibly high achievement standards, expecting themselves to be top earners, highest performers, or most educated—just to feel “good enough.”
4. Body Image & Self-Expectations
Many perfectionists struggle with body image, believing they must achieve a “perfect” physique through rigid diet and exercise rules. They have difficulty accepting natural imperfections like wrinkles, stretch marks, or cellulite.
Similarly, they often create strict rules about being a “good” person. Whatever morals or values they hold, they expect to follow them perfectly—berating themselves for any perceived failure.
5. Avoidance as a Coping Mechanism
When perfectionists fear they won’t meet their own high standards, they sometimes avoid trying altogether. This might look like:
• Avoiding the gym or healthy eating out of fear of “messing up.”
• Dodging friendships or promotions due to self-doubt.
• Giving up on new hobbies or goals the moment they become challenging.
• Viewing things in black and white—if they can’t do something “perfectly,” they believe they’ve failed.
Perfectionists often suppress emotions, avoid seeking help, and refuse to take breaks because they feel it’s not “okay” to struggle.
How to Overcome Perfectionism
The first step to overcoming perfectionism is awareness. Learn to recognize when perfectionistic tendencies arise and observe their impact on your life. In my office, I often guide clients through this three-step process:
1. Notice it. Identify when perfectionistic thoughts or behaviors occur.
2. Don’t judge it. Acknowledge it without labeling it as “good” or “bad.”
3. Decide how to change it. Challenge perfectionistic beliefs and practice flexibility.
One key strategy is learning to differentiate between what truly matters and what perfectionism makes you believe is important. Once you identify unnecessary stressors, practice letting go of some of those high standards—even if it feels uncomfortable at first.
For example, if you stress about cleaning the entire house after a long day, try loosening your standards. Focus on making it functional rather than flawless and remind yourself that it’s okay to relax.
When to Seek Help
Perfectionism isn’t always something you can tackle alone. In some cases, it may be linked to Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), OCD, or other mental health concerns. If you feel overwhelmed by perfectionism, therapy can be a valuable tool in identifying and addressing its root causes.
A good rule of thumb: If you’re unsure whether you can handle your stress and symptoms alone, seeking professional help is not just okay—it’s important.
Struggling with Perfectionism? MK Counseling Can Help!
At MK Counseling, we specialize in helping women navigate the pressures of perfectionism, anxiety, and self-criticism. Our compassionate therapists provide a safe space to explore these patterns and develop healthier, more balanced ways of living.
You don’t have to do this alone. Therapy is a powerful tool for breaking free from perfectionism and embracing a more fulfilling life.
Ready to take the first step? Schedule a session with MK Counseling today and start your journey toward self-acceptance.